Well, it's been a couple of weeks since the last post and I'm pleased to report that things are moving ahead quite quickly - well, more quickly than they have previously. Both Max and I have had our first one-to-one with the SW and spent three hours talking about our childhood experiences, our parentage, schooling, family setup and work experience.
I think I've had a varied, interesting life, moving around quite a bit, attending a number of different schools and busily creating a CV that makes me look either unemployable or ambitious depending on your take on things. My SW thinks that my career history shows that I'm 'wanted' by employers. He doesn't know the employers!
We've had some more, yes more, training over the past three weeks - one very good session on Attachment Disorder which went on a little too long to my mind but was interesting all the same. We were shown a video of a large American woman who, from what I could make out, has a child re-programming ranch in Colorado where she has adopted or fostered several dozen children and now runs courses for families looking to deal with attachment issues. I've got to say that her technique is quite unusual and abrupt but, hey, she showed it working and unless these difficult children are talented actors on the side I'm inclined to believe her.
My favourite quote from the video: "If a child comes at you a'screaming and a'hollerin' don't get upset by it, just say "OK. I can see you have a lot of issues right now. I suggest you go away and think about what they are and come back to talk to me when you've calmed down", then walk away. Don't let their anger/frustration become yours". Genius.
Last week's course was all about the Adoption Triangle - the relationship between birth parent, local authority and adopter. This is a two/three session course led by a trainer who was clearly passionate about her subject. She happens to be the new team leader for the LA's adoption team and is adopted herself so she delivered the course with a strength of conviction that made it very powerful and believable. Hoping we have a few more sessions with her along the way.
What else? Well, we have a panel date booked for 8th March. Not sure whether to be scared or absolutely petrified by the prospect of becoming approved to adopt in around 12 weeks' time. Seems like we've gone through a year of very little happening and then bang, it all happens at once.
We're still waiting for information about the five year old girl we expressed an interest in at the Parents for Children evening. Apparently there are four couples who have expressed an interest but we are the only ones currently in the assessment phase, none of the others have begun yet. Not sure what that implies so we'll just wait and see.
We were pleased to hear that our SW is the one who has been allocated to working with her, too, so that could make things quite interesting. He's not her SW but he's working through the people who expressed an interest. We have to meet her actual SW and make him/her believe that we're the best parenting choice for the little girl. I never thought this would become a competition but it really has - we're going to have to fight to be considered better than regular heterosexual couples. We don't really know enough about this child's particular situation to know whether a gay male couple is what she needs but we'll soon know.
I went for my medical on Friday and discovered that my GP has adopted three children. It was helpful that he understood the process and was able to talk about what's important, medically, and what's not. It was even more helpful that he measured my height a full 2cm higher than before which meant my BMI came down to 29 and I'm only 'overweight' rather than 'obese'. A big step forward!
I wasn't sure what to expect of the medical but it was quite straightforward. Urine sample, blood test (taken previously), check ears/eyes, listen to chest/heart, take blook pressure, weight/measurements, quick look in the mouth and a feel around my groin...stopping sure of a full fumble on the basis of ongoing self-examination. Quick chat about any psychological issues, medication or ongoing treatments/consultations and a couple of emotive questions - am I fit enough and healthy enough to work and parent and is there anything that could affect my ability to continue doing so. That's it.
We've applied for CRB checks here, sent of fingerprints and other documents to South Africa for Max's police check over there and all our referees have received their reference request forms, too.
All we have to do now is continue the assessment process, complete the 21 page soul-searching document that the LA want us to fill in with questions such as "Why do you think your mother formed a relationship with and married your father?". It's quite tedious and I'm not really sure where they're going with most of the questions but we're happy to oblige if it helps them to get a better picture of who we are and what our families are like.
Going through the process is taking more and more of our time, which is fine, but it's something you don't really appreciate until you're in the middle of it. We're regularly having at least two 3 hour training sessions each week together with a session with our social worker, spending time attending medicals and completing forms and question documents and, who could forget, the form asking for every major (and minor!) life event "from birth to now" with the very helpful advisory note saying "list every school, every home, every place of work, every academic exam (with result) and any other achievement whilst at school, deaths or major illnesses of family members or close friends and even minor events - anything you can remember, with dates." Well, as a couple in our late thirties that shouldn't take long, should it.
Anyway, it's all positive stuff and we're closer than ever before to becoming a fully-fledged family providing we get through the assessment and panel, of course.
We've got another three sessions this coming week so I'm sure there'll be plenty of exciting updates to pass on by next weekend.
Saturday, 4 December 2010
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
...and now we're 'allocated'...
So, we've been 'allocated' our SW and we have met him and he's going to be fine. I don't think we should judge SWs because they are, by definition, a strange breed. Loving, caring, supportive but also a little unhinged - well they've got to be haven't they? They deal with all this negativity and crap every day, dealing with people who shouldn't be allowed to keep children and, ultimately, removing them to prove the point. That's going to affect anyone I would think. Did I say we wouldn't judge him/them?!
The first assessment session took place yesterday with the SW visiting our home. All very simple, nothing too complicated but it didn't stop us cleaning the toilets (already clean, but worth doing just in case!), dusting the ornaments, hoovering and plumping up the cushions. We even bought five different varieties of cake and cranked up the authentic Italian coffee machine to make sure he would feel welcome.
We spent two hours discussing the process, learning more about what would be required over the next few months as we approach 'Panel' for approval. We were worried that this would happen quicker than we'd expected and so we were relieved when we were told that Panel wouldn't be until around April.
There will be 16-18 visits over the coming months, one a week, and we'll be met individually and together. Our referees will be interrogated and questioned, we'll undergo CRB checks and medicals and, ultimately, there will be a lengthy report written about who we are, what we do, how we do it and whether we're suitable to adopt a child.
Our SW is going to provide us with more information about one of the children we selected at the Argos for Children night, sorry Parents for Children night. We're keen to know more about her to see whether she really would be an interesting match. Our SW will also begin to look at children on the register, or coming on to the register, to find potential matches for us too.
There is a possibility that we could progress quicker if we're matched earlier but there's still quite a lot of work to do before we reach Panel.
Oh, and lest we forget, we're gay and that "obviously means" that some SWs may not see us as the ideal parents for the children they represent. Of course "that's wrong and shouldn't happen, but it does" we're reliably informed. Er, I think we'd guessed already that we won't be suitable for every child. We're settled and relaxed enough to accept that this may become a bit of a competition for favour amongst SWs representing children. We're on hand to make cakes, bake bread or create beautifully fluffy cappuccinos for anyone who visits...whether they're prejudiced or not. Bring them in, let's meet them and then they can decide themselves whether we're Hannibal Lecter in spandex or just a normal, settled couple who think they can provide a warm, loving, happy, rewarding life to a child who desperately needs it.
The choice, my friends, is yours...
The first assessment session took place yesterday with the SW visiting our home. All very simple, nothing too complicated but it didn't stop us cleaning the toilets (already clean, but worth doing just in case!), dusting the ornaments, hoovering and plumping up the cushions. We even bought five different varieties of cake and cranked up the authentic Italian coffee machine to make sure he would feel welcome.
We spent two hours discussing the process, learning more about what would be required over the next few months as we approach 'Panel' for approval. We were worried that this would happen quicker than we'd expected and so we were relieved when we were told that Panel wouldn't be until around April.
There will be 16-18 visits over the coming months, one a week, and we'll be met individually and together. Our referees will be interrogated and questioned, we'll undergo CRB checks and medicals and, ultimately, there will be a lengthy report written about who we are, what we do, how we do it and whether we're suitable to adopt a child.
Our SW is going to provide us with more information about one of the children we selected at the Argos for Children night, sorry Parents for Children night. We're keen to know more about her to see whether she really would be an interesting match. Our SW will also begin to look at children on the register, or coming on to the register, to find potential matches for us too.
There is a possibility that we could progress quicker if we're matched earlier but there's still quite a lot of work to do before we reach Panel.
Oh, and lest we forget, we're gay and that "obviously means" that some SWs may not see us as the ideal parents for the children they represent. Of course "that's wrong and shouldn't happen, but it does" we're reliably informed. Er, I think we'd guessed already that we won't be suitable for every child. We're settled and relaxed enough to accept that this may become a bit of a competition for favour amongst SWs representing children. We're on hand to make cakes, bake bread or create beautifully fluffy cappuccinos for anyone who visits...whether they're prejudiced or not. Bring them in, let's meet them and then they can decide themselves whether we're Hannibal Lecter in spandex or just a normal, settled couple who think they can provide a warm, loving, happy, rewarding life to a child who desperately needs it.
The choice, my friends, is yours...
Has it really been 5 months?!
Can't really believe it's been 5 months to the day since I last posted anything on here. Since then we've completed our Prep Training (all good), gone through a number of other training sessions and moved things forward
There have been issues along the way, mostly down to admin errors by the LA in relation to booking us on training sessions etc. but, overall, it's still a positive experience.
The past four months have been quiet with little happening besides the training and, to be honest, most of that is designed for foster carers or people who have already adopted. Interesting but not massively useful at this stage. I'm sure we'll remember some of the skills and theories when the time comes.
After such a long period of inactivity we were invited to attend a Parents For Children evening last week. Our LA is a pioneer in this type of event, designed to showcase children who are hard to place. Most of the children are older, in sibling groups or with specific issues that make them difficult to move on.
We were very nervous about attending, we'd spoken to people who had attended this event before (it's held twice a year) and they warned us that it can be very emotionally draining and distressing. Our overriding thought was that it seemed a bit like shopping at Argos - flick through the pages, choose the one you want and place your order and, if I'm honest, the reality is not too far removed from that!
We arrived early (top tip!) to make sure we got to look at the profiles in relative peace and quiet before everyone arrived for the film show (!). Adorning the walls and desktops of a sparce, emotionless conference room were hand-made posters featuring each of the dozen or so children. It was as if they'd been made at school with some help from their teacher complete with photos of the child and a brief synopsis of them, their birth family and some of their issues.
We were invited to complete an 'interest' form for those children that appealed to us. That seemed strange but I suppose there has to be a process. There were almost 50 prospective adopters at the event, all seemingly desperate to find the right child for them. The odds weren't looking great for TwoDadsToo!
Anyway, after a short presentation from the head of children's services at the LA it was on with the show. We sat, cinema style, watching two projection screens as DVDs of each child were introduced and presented. Basically they involved the child's SW coaxing the child to sing/dance/smile/be normal and to talk about themselves for two or three minutes. It was all very odd, particulary as we'd been given score sheets with the name of each child and a space for our own notes against each.
You'll be used to my sarcasm by now but it was, of course, a serious event and the message was clear. The LA have over 70 children to place and plenty more coming in to the system. They have to shift these kids and they want our help to do it. There was lots of feverish note-taking all around and even I wrote some - one of the children was recorded as "busy", another simply with the word "drama!". But, to our surprise, we both picked two children that had potential to fit our criteria and duly completed the 'please order me a...' forms for each.
We met one of the SWs at the event who had been "trying to contact us for ages" without success. It later turned out that he'd left one voicemail on our home phone complaining that he didn't have our mobile numbers, which they do, but he also later told us that his "admin skills are not the best". Lucky for us then that he proudly announced he was going to be in charge of our assessment! We're in for an interesting ride but more about that in the next post...
There have been issues along the way, mostly down to admin errors by the LA in relation to booking us on training sessions etc. but, overall, it's still a positive experience.
The past four months have been quiet with little happening besides the training and, to be honest, most of that is designed for foster carers or people who have already adopted. Interesting but not massively useful at this stage. I'm sure we'll remember some of the skills and theories when the time comes.
After such a long period of inactivity we were invited to attend a Parents For Children evening last week. Our LA is a pioneer in this type of event, designed to showcase children who are hard to place. Most of the children are older, in sibling groups or with specific issues that make them difficult to move on.
We were very nervous about attending, we'd spoken to people who had attended this event before (it's held twice a year) and they warned us that it can be very emotionally draining and distressing. Our overriding thought was that it seemed a bit like shopping at Argos - flick through the pages, choose the one you want and place your order and, if I'm honest, the reality is not too far removed from that!
We arrived early (top tip!) to make sure we got to look at the profiles in relative peace and quiet before everyone arrived for the film show (!). Adorning the walls and desktops of a sparce, emotionless conference room were hand-made posters featuring each of the dozen or so children. It was as if they'd been made at school with some help from their teacher complete with photos of the child and a brief synopsis of them, their birth family and some of their issues.
We were invited to complete an 'interest' form for those children that appealed to us. That seemed strange but I suppose there has to be a process. There were almost 50 prospective adopters at the event, all seemingly desperate to find the right child for them. The odds weren't looking great for TwoDadsToo!
Anyway, after a short presentation from the head of children's services at the LA it was on with the show. We sat, cinema style, watching two projection screens as DVDs of each child were introduced and presented. Basically they involved the child's SW coaxing the child to sing/dance/smile/be normal and to talk about themselves for two or three minutes. It was all very odd, particulary as we'd been given score sheets with the name of each child and a space for our own notes against each.
You'll be used to my sarcasm by now but it was, of course, a serious event and the message was clear. The LA have over 70 children to place and plenty more coming in to the system. They have to shift these kids and they want our help to do it. There was lots of feverish note-taking all around and even I wrote some - one of the children was recorded as "busy", another simply with the word "drama!". But, to our surprise, we both picked two children that had potential to fit our criteria and duly completed the 'please order me a...' forms for each.
We met one of the SWs at the event who had been "trying to contact us for ages" without success. It later turned out that he'd left one voicemail on our home phone complaining that he didn't have our mobile numbers, which they do, but he also later told us that his "admin skills are not the best". Lucky for us then that he proudly announced he was going to be in charge of our assessment! We're in for an interesting ride but more about that in the next post...
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Preparation Training - Session Two
Yet another successful session with our great bunch of wannabe-adopters. Who knew this could be so much fun? Almost everything I've read so far says that prep training is hard work, that there are SWs watching over everything you do and say and that, really, you just have to say the right things and remember that SWs want you to fail. Well, for the record, can I say that our experience has been nothing like that!
Our group are diverse, interesting, thought-provoking and fun to be with. Social workers are social workers, they're a bit dry (sorry if you're reading this!) but they have an immensely difficult and important job to do. They are individually responsible for the welfare of the children they care for and, regardless of the often difficult circumstances and the obvious personal and emotional impact this has, they have to do this within a draconian legal system that has little regard for such things.
Our SWs had a sense of humour - wasn't prepared for that and as one who's always up for being the class clown I was happy to play with them. There were no undertones, no cynical remarks from them, we just enjoyed a very light-hearted atmosphere during what was a challenging session.
This was a full day session and we spent most of it learning about contact and behaviour.
Most people in the room with us yesterday went in with the same thoughts about contact. I'm happy to admit, as I did to the group, that you start from the point where you think "screw that, the child will be mine, why should I commit to keeping in contact with the birth parent(s)?" and it's an understandable response. However, after hearing stories from the SWs about how important contact can be, particularly for birth mothers, it makes you realise that it's a small sacrifice to make and it's mostly in the best interests of the child.
We heard about one adoptive family who had written their 'letterbox' contact letter every year as agreed and, after 10 years, never received a single response from the birth mother. They were about to give up until the birth mother's social worker visited her and found that not only had she received them, she treasured them. She would read and re-read them, particularly when she felt low, heartened by the fact that her daughter was well. She couldn't bring herself to write because she could see the adopters were doing such a great job and it made her feel like she had nothing to offer any more, which is very sad, but the fact that she took so much from the letters makes you realise that it's not just about you as the adopter, or the child, it's far more complex than that.
To be fair we also heard how difficult contact can be and one lesbian couple we met at the course had just adopted a (rare) relinquished baby from the same mother as their first adopted child. Rather than have the baby placed in to foster care whilst they go through the legal process they agreed that they would take the child immediately at birth, which sounds great...BUT...the birth mother has daily, yes daily face-to-face contact with the child for one hour in their home until the legal adoption is agreed. Now this is an unusual situation but you can see how difficult that must be for everyone.
We heard from two adoptive parents about their experiences and one of them had a very complicated setup where they had adopted two of six siblings from a parent who had learning difficulties. The birth father, who sexually abused the children, was in prison, the other siblings were either adopted separately or in long term foster care and they had to handle three different lots of contact, mostly letterbox but some direct, particularly with younger and older siblings. That didn't work out as well as they'd hoped and the older sibling was very difficult, the younger one not so much, but there were also half-siblings and all sorts of other stuff going on.
I can't begin to go in to the nightmare they've had with the birth father who is about to be released from prison! Suffice to say the involvement of several government agencies, some of whom are not fully appraised of the situation and may be less sensitive to the confidentiality of the childrens' new identity, together with the wonders of Facebook, have created a very, very difficult situation which could potentially lead to extremely dangerous consequences.
We learned very quickly, and at the expense of others, how important contact can be but also how important openness and honesty is with the children. The situations where children had not been made aware of siblings or issues surrounding their removal were the ones that came back to bite everyone.
Behaviour was another major issue and one we were expecting. The ways that children can use behaviour to display, act out or simply give a voice to their anger over things that have happened to them is something that we will learn only too quickly.
It's quite duanting to think that sexualised behaviour, eating disorders, self harming, low self-esteem, anxiety and a whole host of other mental conditions could simply be the way that early experiences are manifested and vocalised by the children.
We heard stories of a young girl, adopted with her brother, who displayed sexualised behaviour from a very early age because that's what she had been taught to do. She thought it was normal and that this was what she had to do to make people happy. Sitting on her adoptive father's knee, stroking his arm and then moving her hand between his legs and rubbing there is clearly wrong, and extremely alarming to the adoptive parent, but you cannot reprimand the child because she doesn't know she's doing anything wrong.
This led to a very difficult relationship between the child and her adoptive father with him not wanting to be left in the same room with her alone, not being able to take part in her bath time routines or to dress her for a large part of her early years whilst she received therapy and learnt that this sort of behaviour is not appropriate or necessary in order to please people. That's a very, very tough situation.
I'm happy to say that it wasn't all doom and gloom and even the adopters who had horror stories to tell also made it very clear that they love their adoptive children and wouldn't be without them. Of course there are challenges and we're under no allusion that this is going to be easy, it's not. The key is taking it one step at a time, learning as much as we can in the time we have before matching and remembering that what these children want most of all is a safe, warm, loving home where they're given the support and encouragement they need to thrive.
We're looking forward to having the opportunity to share what we have and to grow ourselves as we engage more in the process.
Next week we're learning about the final stages of the process and discussing what happens around 'moving in' day. This time last week that seemed to be so far away, now it seems like it could be here before we know it!
Our group are diverse, interesting, thought-provoking and fun to be with. Social workers are social workers, they're a bit dry (sorry if you're reading this!) but they have an immensely difficult and important job to do. They are individually responsible for the welfare of the children they care for and, regardless of the often difficult circumstances and the obvious personal and emotional impact this has, they have to do this within a draconian legal system that has little regard for such things.
Our SWs had a sense of humour - wasn't prepared for that and as one who's always up for being the class clown I was happy to play with them. There were no undertones, no cynical remarks from them, we just enjoyed a very light-hearted atmosphere during what was a challenging session.
This was a full day session and we spent most of it learning about contact and behaviour.
Most people in the room with us yesterday went in with the same thoughts about contact. I'm happy to admit, as I did to the group, that you start from the point where you think "screw that, the child will be mine, why should I commit to keeping in contact with the birth parent(s)?" and it's an understandable response. However, after hearing stories from the SWs about how important contact can be, particularly for birth mothers, it makes you realise that it's a small sacrifice to make and it's mostly in the best interests of the child.
We heard about one adoptive family who had written their 'letterbox' contact letter every year as agreed and, after 10 years, never received a single response from the birth mother. They were about to give up until the birth mother's social worker visited her and found that not only had she received them, she treasured them. She would read and re-read them, particularly when she felt low, heartened by the fact that her daughter was well. She couldn't bring herself to write because she could see the adopters were doing such a great job and it made her feel like she had nothing to offer any more, which is very sad, but the fact that she took so much from the letters makes you realise that it's not just about you as the adopter, or the child, it's far more complex than that.
To be fair we also heard how difficult contact can be and one lesbian couple we met at the course had just adopted a (rare) relinquished baby from the same mother as their first adopted child. Rather than have the baby placed in to foster care whilst they go through the legal process they agreed that they would take the child immediately at birth, which sounds great...BUT...the birth mother has daily, yes daily face-to-face contact with the child for one hour in their home until the legal adoption is agreed. Now this is an unusual situation but you can see how difficult that must be for everyone.
We heard from two adoptive parents about their experiences and one of them had a very complicated setup where they had adopted two of six siblings from a parent who had learning difficulties. The birth father, who sexually abused the children, was in prison, the other siblings were either adopted separately or in long term foster care and they had to handle three different lots of contact, mostly letterbox but some direct, particularly with younger and older siblings. That didn't work out as well as they'd hoped and the older sibling was very difficult, the younger one not so much, but there were also half-siblings and all sorts of other stuff going on.
I can't begin to go in to the nightmare they've had with the birth father who is about to be released from prison! Suffice to say the involvement of several government agencies, some of whom are not fully appraised of the situation and may be less sensitive to the confidentiality of the childrens' new identity, together with the wonders of Facebook, have created a very, very difficult situation which could potentially lead to extremely dangerous consequences.
We learned very quickly, and at the expense of others, how important contact can be but also how important openness and honesty is with the children. The situations where children had not been made aware of siblings or issues surrounding their removal were the ones that came back to bite everyone.
Behaviour was another major issue and one we were expecting. The ways that children can use behaviour to display, act out or simply give a voice to their anger over things that have happened to them is something that we will learn only too quickly.
It's quite duanting to think that sexualised behaviour, eating disorders, self harming, low self-esteem, anxiety and a whole host of other mental conditions could simply be the way that early experiences are manifested and vocalised by the children.
We heard stories of a young girl, adopted with her brother, who displayed sexualised behaviour from a very early age because that's what she had been taught to do. She thought it was normal and that this was what she had to do to make people happy. Sitting on her adoptive father's knee, stroking his arm and then moving her hand between his legs and rubbing there is clearly wrong, and extremely alarming to the adoptive parent, but you cannot reprimand the child because she doesn't know she's doing anything wrong.
This led to a very difficult relationship between the child and her adoptive father with him not wanting to be left in the same room with her alone, not being able to take part in her bath time routines or to dress her for a large part of her early years whilst she received therapy and learnt that this sort of behaviour is not appropriate or necessary in order to please people. That's a very, very tough situation.
I'm happy to say that it wasn't all doom and gloom and even the adopters who had horror stories to tell also made it very clear that they love their adoptive children and wouldn't be without them. Of course there are challenges and we're under no allusion that this is going to be easy, it's not. The key is taking it one step at a time, learning as much as we can in the time we have before matching and remembering that what these children want most of all is a safe, warm, loving home where they're given the support and encouragement they need to thrive.
We're looking forward to having the opportunity to share what we have and to grow ourselves as we engage more in the process.
Next week we're learning about the final stages of the process and discussing what happens around 'moving in' day. This time last week that seemed to be so far away, now it seems like it could be here before we know it!
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Well that went well!
Well, much to my surprise and delight the first session of the preparation training was incredibly good!
We arrived early and were greeted by social worker Heather who didn't appear too interested in what she was doing. We later found out she'd been a SW for almost 30 years so it's no surprise really.
We were instructed to write our name on a large sticky label and attach this to our chests "so everyone knows who you are". That made me think it was going to be lots of mumbo-jumbo BS but I was wrong.
Heather suggested we "sit with people you don't know" which wasn't difficult considering we'd never met anyone in the room.
The session lasted 2.5 hours and the group were fantastic. Lots of interesting character, no judgmental morons and even a couple of lesbians for good measure! Everyone seemed very relaxed and chatty, none of the difficult silences I was expecting, even in the group work.
I came away massively enthused by the experience and looking forward to the next session. Mr M felt the same, although I think he drifted off during parts of the presentation. I couldn't, I was so focussed on the hairstyle of Barry, the lead trainer, that there was no chance to drift off!
Now we're both more excited than scared. It looks like it will be spring/summer next year before we become a family although there's every chance that could change in both directions depending on the approval and matching process.
What a journey and, as Karen Carpenter once sang (I think!), "it's only just begun!".
We arrived early and were greeted by social worker Heather who didn't appear too interested in what she was doing. We later found out she'd been a SW for almost 30 years so it's no surprise really.
We were instructed to write our name on a large sticky label and attach this to our chests "so everyone knows who you are". That made me think it was going to be lots of mumbo-jumbo BS but I was wrong.
Heather suggested we "sit with people you don't know" which wasn't difficult considering we'd never met anyone in the room.
The session lasted 2.5 hours and the group were fantastic. Lots of interesting character, no judgmental morons and even a couple of lesbians for good measure! Everyone seemed very relaxed and chatty, none of the difficult silences I was expecting, even in the group work.
I came away massively enthused by the experience and looking forward to the next session. Mr M felt the same, although I think he drifted off during parts of the presentation. I couldn't, I was so focussed on the hairstyle of Barry, the lead trainer, that there was no chance to drift off!
Now we're both more excited than scared. It looks like it will be spring/summer next year before we become a family although there's every chance that could change in both directions depending on the approval and matching process.
What a journey and, as Karen Carpenter once sang (I think!), "it's only just begun!".
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
Cancellation means prep. training starts...tomorrow!
OMG. Last time I posted on here we'd just had our first home visit and since then not much has happened. We went to the very enlightening (not) introductory evening and discovered that social workers are not natural presenters, not in our LA anyway! They were sweet but I'm not sure we learned much in our 2.5 hours.
Anyway. We finally got around to writing our letter to the Head of Adoption confirming our desire to proceed. I mailed this last night thinking they would receive it today, think about and then put us on a waiting list or allocate us to prep. training later in the year - as we'd been told at the introductory evening.
Then we get a phone call, about an hour ago, asking if we can make it to the first session of our prep. training tomorrow evening then a full day next week and a further session the week after. Turns out someone's cancelled because they've become pregnant and our letter obviously hit the spot.
Amazingly, Mr C is very relaxed and cool about it happening so quickly and I'm a total wreck. This is six months earlier than we expected. Scary. I'm panicking a little, thinking we could be a family quicker than we thought...even though it's still likely to be months away, just fewer months that we thought.
Anyway, enough rambling. I'm off for a calming camomile tea and a lie down!
Anyway. We finally got around to writing our letter to the Head of Adoption confirming our desire to proceed. I mailed this last night thinking they would receive it today, think about and then put us on a waiting list or allocate us to prep. training later in the year - as we'd been told at the introductory evening.
Then we get a phone call, about an hour ago, asking if we can make it to the first session of our prep. training tomorrow evening then a full day next week and a further session the week after. Turns out someone's cancelled because they've become pregnant and our letter obviously hit the spot.
Amazingly, Mr C is very relaxed and cool about it happening so quickly and I'm a total wreck. This is six months earlier than we expected. Scary. I'm panicking a little, thinking we could be a family quicker than we thought...even though it's still likely to be months away, just fewer months that we thought.
Anyway, enough rambling. I'm off for a calming camomile tea and a lie down!
Monday, 10 May 2010
We're off to the Introduction Meeting!
Well, my cynicism has proved me wrong...again. The invitation has arrived and we're off to the introduction meeting in two days time, Wednesday 12th May.
Ignoring the fact that the letter arrived addressed to Mr Xxxxx and Miss Xxxxxx, everything seems fine. I called the LA to tell them that, although we're not bothered that their addressing is incorrect, I don't want them to be surprised when we turn up and they notice that we're a gay couple and neither of us is a TV/TS! Lots of apologies (second time it's happened) and they're "excited" to meet us on Wednesday.
We're excited, too, and a little nervous. Our 'social worker who never was a social worker' told us that they spend the entire time scaring the crap out of you and that the next step after this is for us to write a letter confirming that we're still happy to proceed...despite everything we've seen and heard. Looking back, we should have known she wasn't going to be a social worker for long and I think we're better off without her.
Let's hope the meeting is interesting, positive and encouraging and I'll post again to share how it went.
Ignoring the fact that the letter arrived addressed to Mr Xxxxx and Miss Xxxxxx, everything seems fine. I called the LA to tell them that, although we're not bothered that their addressing is incorrect, I don't want them to be surprised when we turn up and they notice that we're a gay couple and neither of us is a TV/TS! Lots of apologies (second time it's happened) and they're "excited" to meet us on Wednesday.
We're excited, too, and a little nervous. Our 'social worker who never was a social worker' told us that they spend the entire time scaring the crap out of you and that the next step after this is for us to write a letter confirming that we're still happy to proceed...despite everything we've seen and heard. Looking back, we should have known she wasn't going to be a social worker for long and I think we're better off without her.
Let's hope the meeting is interesting, positive and encouraging and I'll post again to share how it went.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
The story of the social worker...who was not a social worker!
It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted on the blog, mainly because very little has happened since we first met our social worker.
We've been waiting for the invitation to attend the first 'welcome meeting' with our LA and this is due to take place on 12th May. I thought we would have heard something from them by now so I thought it would be useful to give them a little prod to see what was going on and to make sure that we get on that evening in May. I know that the next one isn't until September and that's too long to wait.
I called the LA and spoke to a very helpful member of the adoption team who couldn't find our file but said she would call back. She did about an hour later and asked where we were in the process. I explained that we'd had our initial home visit and we were simply chasing to make sure we got on to the May welcome evening.
Then she dropped the bombshell. The SW who'd visited us, the one we got on so well with, the one who said she hoped that she would be allocated as our case worker and looked forward to helping us find a child...was on a training placement...and that had ended...and she was no longer with them.
However, she was "sure" that we'd be on the welcome evening in May and we'd hear something approximately two weeks before the event. Nothing yet and we're just waiting for the invitation to drop through the letterbox.
In an environment where we're expected to be completely open and honest about everything we find it astonishing that the same rules don't apply to SWs. It's not a problem that she was a trainee, or that she's left, although it's disappointing, but we'd attached ourselves to her and felt comfortable even after our first meeting.
We live and learn but remain positive about the May event.
Let's see whether the invite arrives...
We've been waiting for the invitation to attend the first 'welcome meeting' with our LA and this is due to take place on 12th May. I thought we would have heard something from them by now so I thought it would be useful to give them a little prod to see what was going on and to make sure that we get on that evening in May. I know that the next one isn't until September and that's too long to wait.
I called the LA and spoke to a very helpful member of the adoption team who couldn't find our file but said she would call back. She did about an hour later and asked where we were in the process. I explained that we'd had our initial home visit and we were simply chasing to make sure we got on to the May welcome evening.
Then she dropped the bombshell. The SW who'd visited us, the one we got on so well with, the one who said she hoped that she would be allocated as our case worker and looked forward to helping us find a child...was on a training placement...and that had ended...and she was no longer with them.
However, she was "sure" that we'd be on the welcome evening in May and we'd hear something approximately two weeks before the event. Nothing yet and we're just waiting for the invitation to drop through the letterbox.
In an environment where we're expected to be completely open and honest about everything we find it astonishing that the same rules don't apply to SWs. It's not a problem that she was a trainee, or that she's left, although it's disappointing, but we'd attached ourselves to her and felt comfortable even after our first meeting.
We live and learn but remain positive about the May event.
Let's see whether the invite arrives...
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Good first meeting
The meeting went very, very well. The SW was lovely, very relaxed and quite young. She turned up in jeans having spent the morning in play therapy with another family so we immedately warmed to her.
We spent some time talking about ourselves and our backgrounds, the type of child(ren) we were looking for and delved in to some interesting areas that made us really think. The whole disability issue is a difficult one. I've had experience of working with adults with disabilities and I enjoyed getting to know more about the world the way they see it BUT when it came to dealing with children I found it very hard. I can't really explain it, it's just the way it made me feel so, after a lot of disussion we went through a long list of disabilities, ticking and crossing as we went.
I've read that some people felt pressurised to say they would accept difficult to place children just so they would appeal more to the agency, but our SW made it very clear that it wasn't like that. It was important to be open, honest and frank about what we could and couldn't cope with.
It seemed weird sitting there mulling over autism and deciding whether we could cope with it in a child. We eventually said yes to sensory disabilities and mild forms of ADHD, Autism etc. but rules out severe physical disabilities after my previous experiences.
We were amazed to hear that, in our local authority, over 40% of all adoptions confirmed last year were to same sex couples. Our SW accepted that this was way above average but it made us feel very comfortable dealing with her and her wider team.
So, we've ended up agreeing that we would ideally like to adopt a child, or close sibling group, preferably a boy but happy with a girl too, aged between 4-7 years so that our child would fit easily in to our wider family with nieces/nephews etc. the same age.
Next step is the information evening but we can't get on that until May. They're going to try to get us on the preparation course starting in June but it's over-subscribed and the next isn't until September. However, they do have quite a few children in our target profile so they're going to try to make a plan...no promises, but they'll try.
The meeting ended very positively and our SW said she would have to go back to the office, reflect on what we'd discussed and then write a report to confirm or reject us as suitable applicants. Well, she's clearly a quick thinker and a much quicker typist that I am - she called within an hour of leaving us (it would take 40 mins back to her office!) to tell us that she thought we'd made excellent adoptive parents and that she was very pleased to accept us as applicants. We were both, of course, absolutely delighted. Even though we felt the meeting had gone well, we also knew not to count our chickens. It was an emotional day and a thoroughly positive way to start the process. The SW thinks we could be approved by this time next year if all goes well.
Because Max was born in Rhodesia (when it was Rhodesia), grew up in South Africa but is Italian by nationality, they think it might take a while to get reports etc. so they're going to start processing things earlier than normal. He'll also need early medical reports after being hijacked and shot whilst in SA almost 10 years ago; they just want to make sure that there's nothing problematic going forward. Apart from recurring nightmares there's nothing physical to worry about any more.
They also picked up on the fact that his former partner of 14 years was killed in a car accident three years ago and the SW said they'll want to speak to his family. That was very weird and a little uncomfortable for both of us, although it's no major problem. I'm sure the home visits will bring up some difficult memories but I guess it's all part of the process.
All we have to do now is keep Max's mother at bay and stop her from buying things!!!
We spent some time talking about ourselves and our backgrounds, the type of child(ren) we were looking for and delved in to some interesting areas that made us really think. The whole disability issue is a difficult one. I've had experience of working with adults with disabilities and I enjoyed getting to know more about the world the way they see it BUT when it came to dealing with children I found it very hard. I can't really explain it, it's just the way it made me feel so, after a lot of disussion we went through a long list of disabilities, ticking and crossing as we went.
I've read that some people felt pressurised to say they would accept difficult to place children just so they would appeal more to the agency, but our SW made it very clear that it wasn't like that. It was important to be open, honest and frank about what we could and couldn't cope with.
It seemed weird sitting there mulling over autism and deciding whether we could cope with it in a child. We eventually said yes to sensory disabilities and mild forms of ADHD, Autism etc. but rules out severe physical disabilities after my previous experiences.
We were amazed to hear that, in our local authority, over 40% of all adoptions confirmed last year were to same sex couples. Our SW accepted that this was way above average but it made us feel very comfortable dealing with her and her wider team.
So, we've ended up agreeing that we would ideally like to adopt a child, or close sibling group, preferably a boy but happy with a girl too, aged between 4-7 years so that our child would fit easily in to our wider family with nieces/nephews etc. the same age.
Next step is the information evening but we can't get on that until May. They're going to try to get us on the preparation course starting in June but it's over-subscribed and the next isn't until September. However, they do have quite a few children in our target profile so they're going to try to make a plan...no promises, but they'll try.
The meeting ended very positively and our SW said she would have to go back to the office, reflect on what we'd discussed and then write a report to confirm or reject us as suitable applicants. Well, she's clearly a quick thinker and a much quicker typist that I am - she called within an hour of leaving us (it would take 40 mins back to her office!) to tell us that she thought we'd made excellent adoptive parents and that she was very pleased to accept us as applicants. We were both, of course, absolutely delighted. Even though we felt the meeting had gone well, we also knew not to count our chickens. It was an emotional day and a thoroughly positive way to start the process. The SW thinks we could be approved by this time next year if all goes well.
Because Max was born in Rhodesia (when it was Rhodesia), grew up in South Africa but is Italian by nationality, they think it might take a while to get reports etc. so they're going to start processing things earlier than normal. He'll also need early medical reports after being hijacked and shot whilst in SA almost 10 years ago; they just want to make sure that there's nothing problematic going forward. Apart from recurring nightmares there's nothing physical to worry about any more.
They also picked up on the fact that his former partner of 14 years was killed in a car accident three years ago and the SW said they'll want to speak to his family. That was very weird and a little uncomfortable for both of us, although it's no major problem. I'm sure the home visits will bring up some difficult memories but I guess it's all part of the process.
All we have to do now is keep Max's mother at bay and stop her from buying things!!!
Saturday, 27 February 2010
Finally...a step forward
Well, after waiting four weeks since I called our LA to tell them that we wanted to proceed I finally decided that I'd give them a quick call to chase them, particularly as they have a standard that says they'll make an initial home visit within four weeks. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting our LA to do what they say they will, there are plenty of horror stories in the blogs and on NFS to tell me that this won't happen, but I wanted to jog their memory...and I'm glad I did.
Because the initial enquiry was made in Max's name and I made the follow-up call they hadn't managed to tie the two names together, despite them both being on the form and on the letters they sent with the information pack so, effectively, nothing had happened in those four weeks and they'd just put the phone message to one side waiting for me to call again!
Despite this initial setback, the social worker I spoke to was very helpful, warm and friendly and, although she seemed to be a little thrown by the fact that we were a gay couple (the letter had Max down as Ms.!), she quickly regained herself and we had a long and interesting chat.
She said that they would write to us to confirm that we'd had the conversation and that the next step would be for a Social Worker to make an initial home visit. She thought this could be within the next four weeks but wasn't absolutely sure.
They have an introductory evening on 13th March and the first preparation meeting is June, although there's already a waiting list for this and it's more likely that we'll be added to the September intake...but not guaranteed. It just seems like so long to wait.
Anyway, the letter arrived on Wednesday morning, the day after the call, and when I got home from work there was a message on the answering machine from the same SW asking if she could come to visit. I'd already told Max that she sounds quite young, was friendly etc., so we were delighted that she had been allocated to our case.
I called her back and we've arranged to have the first home visit on Monday 1st...the day before my birthday! She wanted to bring a colleague but we couldn't sort the dates out so she's coming on her own, which we're pleased about, although it wouldn't have been a problem. We know that we're going to meet loads of new faces, positive and negative, during the process.
So, whilst we wanted to get to the NFS event in Birmingham this weekend we're busy discussing more about what we want from the process, chatting through the possibility of a sibling group rather than just a single child, deciding what we can and can't cope with and generally spending time making sure we're both on the same page before the meeting on Monday.
The SW said she "needs to look around the house - is that OK?" and, of course, it's no problem but we both immediately thought OMG, we have some pieces of modern African art by a guy called Richard Scott, they're bold pieces showing naked women, but they're not graphic (or pornographic!) in any way, they're just talking pieces...and we both thought the same thing at the same time - we need to take them down before the SW comes on Monday! We laughed about it and I said that we don't yet have a child, our house is not supposed to have a stair gate, catches on the cupboard and drawers and rubber edges on sharp pieces of furniture - we can make those adjustments when we have to, but we're a long way from that. I think it's more important that the SW sees us for who we are, if we hide stuff for no reason then we're covering up and that's not the way to start a process where we have to bare all to strangers.
We're excited and nervous about Monday, it all feels a bit more 'real' now even though we've probably got two more years of this rollercoaster ride and we've not even got to any of the difficult stuff yet.
I'm sure the meeting will go well and I know they're trying to get us to the introductory event on 13th March, which we appreciate. Fingers crossed...
Because the initial enquiry was made in Max's name and I made the follow-up call they hadn't managed to tie the two names together, despite them both being on the form and on the letters they sent with the information pack so, effectively, nothing had happened in those four weeks and they'd just put the phone message to one side waiting for me to call again!
Despite this initial setback, the social worker I spoke to was very helpful, warm and friendly and, although she seemed to be a little thrown by the fact that we were a gay couple (the letter had Max down as Ms.!), she quickly regained herself and we had a long and interesting chat.
She said that they would write to us to confirm that we'd had the conversation and that the next step would be for a Social Worker to make an initial home visit. She thought this could be within the next four weeks but wasn't absolutely sure.
They have an introductory evening on 13th March and the first preparation meeting is June, although there's already a waiting list for this and it's more likely that we'll be added to the September intake...but not guaranteed. It just seems like so long to wait.
Anyway, the letter arrived on Wednesday morning, the day after the call, and when I got home from work there was a message on the answering machine from the same SW asking if she could come to visit. I'd already told Max that she sounds quite young, was friendly etc., so we were delighted that she had been allocated to our case.
I called her back and we've arranged to have the first home visit on Monday 1st...the day before my birthday! She wanted to bring a colleague but we couldn't sort the dates out so she's coming on her own, which we're pleased about, although it wouldn't have been a problem. We know that we're going to meet loads of new faces, positive and negative, during the process.
So, whilst we wanted to get to the NFS event in Birmingham this weekend we're busy discussing more about what we want from the process, chatting through the possibility of a sibling group rather than just a single child, deciding what we can and can't cope with and generally spending time making sure we're both on the same page before the meeting on Monday.
The SW said she "needs to look around the house - is that OK?" and, of course, it's no problem but we both immediately thought OMG, we have some pieces of modern African art by a guy called Richard Scott, they're bold pieces showing naked women, but they're not graphic (or pornographic!) in any way, they're just talking pieces...and we both thought the same thing at the same time - we need to take them down before the SW comes on Monday! We laughed about it and I said that we don't yet have a child, our house is not supposed to have a stair gate, catches on the cupboard and drawers and rubber edges on sharp pieces of furniture - we can make those adjustments when we have to, but we're a long way from that. I think it's more important that the SW sees us for who we are, if we hide stuff for no reason then we're covering up and that's not the way to start a process where we have to bare all to strangers.
We're excited and nervous about Monday, it all feels a bit more 'real' now even though we've probably got two more years of this rollercoaster ride and we've not even got to any of the difficult stuff yet.
I'm sure the meeting will go well and I know they're trying to get us to the introductory event on 13th March, which we appreciate. Fingers crossed...
Saturday, 13 February 2010
Patience...patience...
Still nothing from our LA since we called them on 26th Jan. Not sure how long this initial contact should take but I'm tempted to make a follow-up call next week just to make sure they haven't forgotten us.
Joined New Family Social this week and trying to get to the AGM and new adopters presentation on 27th in Birmingham. Will depend on schedules and whether Max is actually in the country for a change! He's been away almost constantly since the new year and I don't expect that to change for the next few months. Still, he's back tomorrow for one day and I don't think it will take me long to update him on progress!
Joined New Family Social this week and trying to get to the AGM and new adopters presentation on 27th in Birmingham. Will depend on schedules and whether Max is actually in the country for a change! He's been away almost constantly since the new year and I don't expect that to change for the next few months. Still, he's back tomorrow for one day and I don't think it will take me long to update him on progress!
Thursday, 4 February 2010
Bedtime reading
Decided to get a copy of "The Pink Guide to Adoptions...for lesbians and gay men" as the BAAF recommend it. For those who haven't read it, the book is split in to two sections: the first about the process and some of the things to be aware of; the second a collection of case studies and real-life stories from people who have been through the process.
It's not a blockbuster but, on the whole, it's an interesting read. There's a lot of stuff in there about standing up for who you are, making sure they (social services) know that you're no different to anyone else etc., etc. and I'm not much for the militant angle. Sure there's going to be prejudice, we live with it every day at work and in our personal lives. There's no reason to expect the adoption process to be any different. The overriding message coming from the case studies is, simply, be yourself. It's the personality, not the sexuality, that people are interested in. It's much easier to win people over with the former than the latter...unless you're in a Soho bar when it's normally the other way around!
Overall I've enjoyed reading the book and some of the stats are scary and exciting at the same time. Only 80 odd gay adoptions in the UK last year, among 5,000 or so in total. That ticks both boxes.
Still waiting to hear from the LA about the next step...keep watching the mailbox...but not surprised that it's slow in coming. Patience...patience...
It's not a blockbuster but, on the whole, it's an interesting read. There's a lot of stuff in there about standing up for who you are, making sure they (social services) know that you're no different to anyone else etc., etc. and I'm not much for the militant angle. Sure there's going to be prejudice, we live with it every day at work and in our personal lives. There's no reason to expect the adoption process to be any different. The overriding message coming from the case studies is, simply, be yourself. It's the personality, not the sexuality, that people are interested in. It's much easier to win people over with the former than the latter...unless you're in a Soho bar when it's normally the other way around!
Overall I've enjoyed reading the book and some of the stats are scary and exciting at the same time. Only 80 odd gay adoptions in the UK last year, among 5,000 or so in total. That ticks both boxes.
Still waiting to hear from the LA about the next step...keep watching the mailbox...but not surprised that it's slow in coming. Patience...patience...
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
The process has begun...
Well, that's it, we've made the decision and we're off and running, well stumbling, through the early stages of the adoption process.
I was thinking earlier that I've never 'blogged' before but can't think of any better time to start as we begin this exciting journey. As prospective gay adopters we've both been through a whole gamut of emotions and anguish and that was just deciding whether to go ahead or not, I can't imagine what sort of a rollercoaster it will be over the next 12 months let alone the next 20 years!
Forgive me if I ramble a bit in the first post, it's just been bottled up for a while and now I can actually tell people what I/we have been thinking. Whilst we'd love to think that prospective adopters will read the blog and follow the story, just like we have with others, just typing the words is a great help to the both of us.
We've been inspired by other bloggers, particularly Fernando and Glen and their blog 'Two Guys Adopting', whose background and story seems to bear many similarities with our own. The BAAF website and New Family Social have also been helpful in showing that we're not alone or, indeed unusual in wanting to adopt a child.
So, who are we and what's the story so far? Well my partner, we'll call him Max for the sake of this blog, is Italian but was born in Africa. He works in the dental industry and spends most of his time travelling around Europe and to the US. Being Italian 'family' is a big thing and the thought of buildling his own is really exciting to him...even if he's not able to pass on his Roman features naturally! Shame.
I've just launched my own travel business after almost 20 years making other people lots of money, and the travel industry is something I'm really passionate about. I've spent a lot of time working in or visiting Asia, India and Africa and, for me, the opportunity to share that passion and new adventures with a child of our own (instead of just kidnapping my nephew all the time!) is a great motivator.
So, we've gone through the whole list of stupid questions in our own minds: "are we being selfish?", "is it right for two guys to adopt a child?", "what will people say/do/think?" and even "how will my grandfather cope with it?!" and we've come to the conclusion that, whilst of course it matters what people think, and that can have a direct impact on the child, the most important thing is that we can give a child a good, solid, warm, loving home and help them achieve their full potential away from whatever issues have placed them in this situation in the first place.
We've spent a lot of time thinking what sort of child we would want, given the choice, and we both agree that you have to be quite frank about this, no matter how bad it feels. We obviously have pre-conceived ideas of the type of child that would fit our family and our lifestyle and, as I've had experience of working with people with disabilities, I've got a very clear idea of my own boundaries and limits. I know that we would struggle to adapt to, love and care for a child with mental or physical disabilities and whilst we're aware that this process isn't about ordering a perfect child from a catalogue (unless you look at the Be My Parent newspaper!), we're also aware of our own failings. Admitting them is part of the process...but being open to learning more as we go forward, about seeing whether might be better suited for this type of child than we think and being open to listening to people who know more about it than we do is hugely important too.
Enough about us - where are we in the process? Well, we've had the pack through from our Local Authority and done plenty of reading online and, after putting it off for several days I finally made the call to the Adoption Team today.
I'm not sure what I was expecting but probably more than a grumpy old woman taking my name, address and postcode and telling me that someone would write to us shortly to arrange a home visit I think! When I came off the phone it felt like a real anti-climax but then I remembered that, whilst it might be big news for us, the people in that office deal with it all day, every day and, besides that they have to deal with plenty of negative stuff all the time too. Me calling at 4.30pm on a Tuesday afternoon was, much to my disappointment, not the highlight of her day!
Anyway. We'll wait, probably too eagerly, for the postman to arrive with the promised letter and take it from there. From what we've read already, patience is something that we'll need to learn...and quickly. I think I'm quite laid back but the Italian husband doesn't 'do' patience very well!
Thanks to everyone online that's got us this far...it's going to be an adventure.
I was thinking earlier that I've never 'blogged' before but can't think of any better time to start as we begin this exciting journey. As prospective gay adopters we've both been through a whole gamut of emotions and anguish and that was just deciding whether to go ahead or not, I can't imagine what sort of a rollercoaster it will be over the next 12 months let alone the next 20 years!
Forgive me if I ramble a bit in the first post, it's just been bottled up for a while and now I can actually tell people what I/we have been thinking. Whilst we'd love to think that prospective adopters will read the blog and follow the story, just like we have with others, just typing the words is a great help to the both of us.
We've been inspired by other bloggers, particularly Fernando and Glen and their blog 'Two Guys Adopting', whose background and story seems to bear many similarities with our own. The BAAF website and New Family Social have also been helpful in showing that we're not alone or, indeed unusual in wanting to adopt a child.
So, who are we and what's the story so far? Well my partner, we'll call him Max for the sake of this blog, is Italian but was born in Africa. He works in the dental industry and spends most of his time travelling around Europe and to the US. Being Italian 'family' is a big thing and the thought of buildling his own is really exciting to him...even if he's not able to pass on his Roman features naturally! Shame.
I've just launched my own travel business after almost 20 years making other people lots of money, and the travel industry is something I'm really passionate about. I've spent a lot of time working in or visiting Asia, India and Africa and, for me, the opportunity to share that passion and new adventures with a child of our own (instead of just kidnapping my nephew all the time!) is a great motivator.
So, we've gone through the whole list of stupid questions in our own minds: "are we being selfish?", "is it right for two guys to adopt a child?", "what will people say/do/think?" and even "how will my grandfather cope with it?!" and we've come to the conclusion that, whilst of course it matters what people think, and that can have a direct impact on the child, the most important thing is that we can give a child a good, solid, warm, loving home and help them achieve their full potential away from whatever issues have placed them in this situation in the first place.
We've spent a lot of time thinking what sort of child we would want, given the choice, and we both agree that you have to be quite frank about this, no matter how bad it feels. We obviously have pre-conceived ideas of the type of child that would fit our family and our lifestyle and, as I've had experience of working with people with disabilities, I've got a very clear idea of my own boundaries and limits. I know that we would struggle to adapt to, love and care for a child with mental or physical disabilities and whilst we're aware that this process isn't about ordering a perfect child from a catalogue (unless you look at the Be My Parent newspaper!), we're also aware of our own failings. Admitting them is part of the process...but being open to learning more as we go forward, about seeing whether might be better suited for this type of child than we think and being open to listening to people who know more about it than we do is hugely important too.
Enough about us - where are we in the process? Well, we've had the pack through from our Local Authority and done plenty of reading online and, after putting it off for several days I finally made the call to the Adoption Team today.
I'm not sure what I was expecting but probably more than a grumpy old woman taking my name, address and postcode and telling me that someone would write to us shortly to arrange a home visit I think! When I came off the phone it felt like a real anti-climax but then I remembered that, whilst it might be big news for us, the people in that office deal with it all day, every day and, besides that they have to deal with plenty of negative stuff all the time too. Me calling at 4.30pm on a Tuesday afternoon was, much to my disappointment, not the highlight of her day!
Anyway. We'll wait, probably too eagerly, for the postman to arrive with the promised letter and take it from there. From what we've read already, patience is something that we'll need to learn...and quickly. I think I'm quite laid back but the Italian husband doesn't 'do' patience very well!
Thanks to everyone online that's got us this far...it's going to be an adventure.
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