...and now I think we've found him!

I don't really know where to start this morning.  In my last post I mentioned that had plans to meet the foster carers for a child we've been linked with.  Well, that was yesterday and here's the story...

We were both a little nervous about this meeting.  Except for the limited conversations we'd had during the training courses, we'd never met real-life foster carers before and we didn't really know what to expect.  Actually, we thought we did.  Those we'd met or seen at the training courses were generally quite quiet, reserved and, how can I put it, a bit mumsy, a bit 'farmer's wife', a bit 'always-in-the-kitchen-always-changing-dirty-nappies-always-on-the-go-no-time-for-myself'. Know what I mean?  Probably not, but I can't really explain it any other way.

You'll be used to my tongue-in-cheek references by now, I hope, but on a serious note I/we know that we couldn't be foster carers.  Just couldn't do it and, on that basis alone, you have to admire people who can.  People who are willing to welcome some of the most damaged children in our society, children whose parents betrayed them in any number of ways, in to their homes and give them love, care, attention and a sense of belonging to a real family.  That must take a lot, particularly when you never know how long they'll stay and, of course, the day will most likely come when you have to say goodbye.  Hats well and truly off to foster carers in general.

Anyway, back to yesterday.  Max and I had been discussing the meeting for days, no big debates, just the odd conversation about how we thought it might go, what we thought we might need to ask, that sort of thing.  I'm more of a planner than he is so all day Tuesday I was badgering him to sit down for a real chat to discuss the sort of questions we were going to ask etc.

Whilst I'm normally the laid back one and Max is the intense, latin one I felt that I couldn't go in to the meeting with no idea of what we wanted to know.  He on the other hand wanted to let it be a very free flowing discussion, raising questions as we went along.

The compromise was me getting up at 5am on Wednesday morning to find out more about The Boy's Brigade and look for alternatives locally as we don't have a branch near us.  I did some research in to a medical condition, read the OFSTED report for the child's school and made a list of points I wanted to cover.  Most unlike me but this is the single most important thing we've done in our lives so forgive me the deviation from my normally horizontal position on life.  I felt better for having a bit of a plan.

Wednesday started normally - me up at 5am, Max finally dragging his bones out of bed aroud 8am when we needed to leave the house no later than 9am.  At 8.15am the phone rang and it was our Social Worker.  Now, if you've read any of this blog before you'll know that when he calls it's normally to cancel so I wasn't very pleased to hear his voice.  However, he was actually calling to tell us that one of the roads was closed on our route to the foster carers' home and advising a different route.  Bless him, I take it all back!

20 minutes later the phone rings again and it's the child's foster father!  OMG.  We've never spoken to his foster carers before.  We've heard them on the child's DVDs and seen their limbs straying in to the camera's view but we've never actually spoken to them.  Again, I thought the call was to cancel the meeting - no reason for me to think this except our previous experiences with the SW.

He introduced himself and apologised for calling, saying he'd managed to find out number due to Max's unusual surname, and he wanted to tell us that...one of the roads on our journey to his home was closed. 

We joked about the fact that the SW had just called to say the same.  He then went on to tell me that they'd discovered this blog, by accident almost, and had really enjoyed reading it.  That made me think, oh crap, what have I said on there?  However, after a few slow breaths I was sure that I'd maintained confidentiality in all respects, and I could breathe easily again.  He said that they'd had similar experiences of social workers and suggested that we spend the morning focusing our conversations on the child and that they would give us as much information as they possibly could.

Now.  Here's the tricky bit.  I know that they will be reading this entry, eager to find out what we thought of the meeting but, as anyone who reads this knows, I'm nothing but honest on this blog and it doesn't serve any purpose unless that is maintained.  I don't want anyone to think that any praise, admiration or otherwise is written to pander to any part of the audience, it's not.

I came off the phone and told Max who had called and said "He sounds really friendly, really nice.  He didn't have to go to all that effort to find our number and call to tell us the road was closed".  And he didn't but this proved to be a good indication of the type of people they were when we met them.

So, we set off and put our trust in the SatNav to get us to the address, avoiding the roadblock.  It didn't, it took us right up to it and then turned us around and sent us back the other way.  We actually arrived just about on time and everyone was there, waiting.

We were introduced to everyone and made to feel very welcome.  Mr FC ("A") made the coffee (a very nice cappucino if you don't mind) and brought out some fruit including strawberries that had been handpicked by Mrs FC ("P") and the child at the local farm the day before.  Sweet.

A couple of things struck both Max and I immediately: first, what a lovely home P&A had - the type of home we'd love and the type of home we've actually been looking for over the past 18 months; and, secondly, more importantly, what a warm, friendly, welcoming couple they are.  [Apologies P&A if you're reading this but I did promise honesty]

It turned out that I need not have bothered with planning the questions, they had already thought about what we'd wat to know and made sure they had all the info to hand.  We were shown another video of the child and we all gathered around the sofa whilst Max held the laptop and we watched, intently, as the child read some extracts from a Captain Underpants book!  Hilarious and a perfect ice-breaker.

The discussion was very free-flowing, we talked about everything from the child's daily routine to his schooling, his background and parentage, his behaviour at home and at school, the types of food he likes, how he entertains himself and interacts with others.

P&A put us both at ease from the moment we met them and we're hugely grateful for that.  It's the first time they've fostered and, potentially, the first time they'll have to say goodbye to a child and it is clear how difficult that will be.  They have formed an incredibly strong attachment to the child, probably the strongest he's ever experienced and the work they have done with him in the 11 months he's been with them is incredible and testament to their commitment.  They were so completely different to any foster carer we'd met and they can rightly be very, very proud of what they've achieved.

The meeting helped us to confirm what we thought we already knew - that the child is a perfect match for us and that he would and, hopefully, will fit in to our family very well.  I can't tell you how excited we both became when we were told he loves polenta!  And wants to visit Italy!

I don't think anyone was really in any doubt by the end of the meeting that we were convinced of the link and intend to proceed.  We had a few tears with P and it all got very emotional.  P gave us their phone number and said we could call any time if we had any other questions or wanted any more information about anything.

The child's social worker apologised for being presumptious but had already requested the next available Matching Panel date with the local authority and it's 24th July.  On that basis, it taking 7 days after that for the formal decision, 'introductions' could start at the beginning of August and we would aim to be 'with child' in time for him to start the new school term.

OMG.  That is scary...and exciting...and scary...and exciting...etc.

I'm sure there will be much more to report over the coming weeks, not least the school visits and other stuff.  But, for now, the thought of the day is with P&A who are truly inspiring and wonderful people.

I'm looking for my son...

It's amazing how quickly things can develop after such a long period of, well, nothing really.

Prior to our Approvel Panel we'd been to Northamptonshire's (excellent) Parents for Children evening and identified a child there that we thought would be a potential match. We mentioned this child to our social worker and forgot all about it, focussing on panel.

Two days after approval he called to say that he's spoken to said child's social worker and they'd agreed that we should all meet at our place. A date was arranged and the meeting took place. We had a good old chat, asked a load of questions, did the 'Through The Keyhole' tour of the house and generally had a good time.

We were left with a (slightly outdated - 2009) version of the child's permanance report  and, of course, the moment everyone left we had 101 questions that we'd forgotten to ask, this being the first child we've ever discussed in detail. Our social worker said he'd call in a few days to get some feedback and we'd take it from there.

That call came two hours after they left our house and he asked what we thought. We said we'd call back in a few days once we've had some time to absorb the info etc. We had that chat and raised a few questions and concerns over a number of issues. The child's social worker called back and most of the issues were resolved with newer information than that contained in the report.

Since then we've seen three DVDs of the child at six monthly intervals since removal. That's an amazingly strong tool to help you get a true picture of what the child's like.

The child's social worker suggested we should contact all three of our local schools and suggested one in particular that she knew was similar to the child's current school in terms of structure and size.

We're meeting his foster carers next Wednesday to discuss him in more detail and to get a real overview of his issues. Meanwhile (thank you, lord) we've been told that they have friends who are a gay male couple and they are regular visitors to the home. The child seems to be very comfortable with them and the concept is being introduced to conversations more and more within the home.

We've got school visits next week. We both discussed this at length, including with our respective parents to get their input. Everyone seems very positive. We've decided that, pending the outcome of next week's meeting we will agree to proceed to Matching Panel.

Everything seems right about this child. He's at the upper end of our desired age range, 7 years old, but having reflected on this a lot it feels appropriate to us and our situation.

So, looks like we're going to be parents before we're 40 after all.  Who'd have thought.

We'll post again after next week's meetings.  It's all getting a bit scary now.

M&M (not Eminem!)