I knew it had to come at some point. Everyone we've spoken to has said that you can't remain positive throughout the entire process. Believe me, we've tried, but there are times when it just seems a bit too much and we've been going through that difficult period for the past couple of months.
However, we're getting through it and we're still as committed as we were, even if we've been asking ourselves that question more often...every day if I'm honest. Really, there are so many challenges along the way that sometimes you take a step back and say "wouldn't it just be easier to forget all this crap and get a dog?!".
Since my last post (apologies for the intermittent musings) we've almost completed our home assessment sessions which have, on the whole, been enjoyable and positive. Of course, your life is laid bare for all to see during the process and the questioning and probing can seem intrusive and unreasonable but you have to be objective, understand why you're being asked the questions and answer them as honestly and openly as you can.
I remember one of the early sessions, before Christmas, when we were interviewed separately. I said that Max finds it hard to be without his family. He's Italian, he's used to feeling the warmth and love of a large family, big get-togethers, meals, family parties etc. He misses that with his family in different parts of the world. I said that he needed to know that everyone around him like him, loved him. Our social worker (I'll paint a picture of him later!) said "so he's neurotic?". No, he's not. He's sensitive, loving, caring and enjoys being around his family. "Oh, but I'd call that neurotic". Oh. I wouldn't. I'd call that being Italian.
Our social worker (SW) is an interesting guy. A divorced father of two who feels "robbed" by the fact that he can't carry and bear children. When he first visited he spilt coffee down his shirt and I didn't think anything of it. Offered him something to wipe it off with and carried on chatting. By the time he'd done the same thing in the following two sessions I got the impression it was a test so, even when he spilt some on the floor, I deliberately didn't make a fuss and carried on chatting about my life!
I'm not sure if it was a test but you get to the point where you think everything is designed to test your reaction. To be fair, he doesn't know me otherwise he would have given up trying to get a reaction by now!
We've had some great comments from him about how forward-thinking we are and how clearly committed we are to the process. We must be, we're almost two years in and there's no child on the horizon just yet...or is there?
I mentioned in my last post (4th December) that we'd identified a child at the Argos-like 'Parents for Children' evening. Well, we got tantalisingly close to meeting her SW...but got pipped to the post by a "heterosexual couple who were already approved by panel". Shame. It's all of a sudden become a competition - we knew it would be, but not quite yet.
However. We were told just after Christmas about another child who seemed to fit our criteria and appeared to be a potential match for us. We were told of her horrendous start in life and, whilst I can't go in to any detail, it is heartbreaking to hear it. Children are resilient but there must be a limit.
Anyway. This child appears to be perfect for us and our SW agrees. After a couple of false starts (literally - the first meeting was cancelled because her car broke down!), we were due to meet the child's social worker - an important meeting as you have to get them on your side, too - shortly before we went to approval panel on 8th March.
All was going well. We'd had medicals, the authorities had made all sorts of inquiries about our lives to relevant bodies and we'd submitted CRB (Criminal Records Bureau) checks. Then I get a phone call, out of the blue, from our SW.
He tells me that there's a "query" over my CRB check and whilst he doesn't know what it is, everything has to go on hold until it's resolved.
A CRB check is effectively a check of your police records to show any arrests, convinctions etc. I've never, ever been arrested or charged with an offence, other than some minor traffic offences which I'm told don't count. So, I spend a good hour wracking my brain trying to think what the problem might be.
Then I twig. My brother was convicted of a driving offence about 18 months ago. So, I call our SW and mention this to him, asking if it could be the problem as we're twins. He assures me that it won't be this. So now I'm really confused. Then he calls back to say "do you know what, it could be that".
Now I'm happier knowing that this is probably just an admin error and a misunderstanding, so I call the CRB and speak to a supervisor there, explaining the situation, hoping that they can resolve it. The simple result of a long conversation is that, no, they can't.
So, our SW tells me that he has to cancel our visit from the child's SW because, even though they think they know what the problem is, they can't be sure and, in reality, I could be an axe-wielding homocidal maniac for all they know, which of course I'm not. Let's be real. I've been absolutely and painfully honest about everything throughout the process so far, if they were going to find anything serious like this they would have found it before now.
Anyway. Not only do they cancel the meeting with the child's social worker but they also cancel our panel approval date and put it back two months to 3rd May. Now, I understand the reasons why they have to do this, I really do but, if I'm honest, it hit us both really hard. There were tears and anger, frustration and more anger. We got to the point where we both said, let's just call this off and stop putting ourselves through this.
I'm pleased to say that, despite that, we've come through it. I've done what the process calls for - I've sent photos to CRB, spoken to the Police on the phone for hours and I was fingerprinted by the Police last Thursday. Hopefully now they can prove that I'm not actually my twin brother, using a different name to avoid my criminal past catching up with me.
The fact that we have the same surname, date of birth and that we've shared some addresses in the past seems perfectly reasonable when you're a twin. It's a shame the law doesn't see it that way!
So, we're back on for approval panel on 3rd May and hoping that the CRB check is clear when they run it next week. They'll then send the clearance certificate to the local authority and, hopefully, our SW will start talking to us again rather than making me feel like a criminal. Which I'm not.
Given the reasons that children are removed from their parents and placed for adoption, the irony of ME being made to feel like a criminal is not lost on us!
I can honestly say that we've enjoyed the process and learned from it every step of the way...right up to this happening. This has made us realise that there's no guarantee we'll be approved by panel. We have always thought, as our friends have, that we would make great parents and great adopters. Things like this make you doubt that...even when you've done nothing wrong.
I'll leave you, for now, with the words of our SW as he was leaving our home following a three hour visit recently. "Oh, guys, just one more thing. Your medical reports have come back. You're both overweight. That's not a huge problem, but it's something to be careful of. I think you should probably eat less."
Our SW is about 250lbs!!!
More soon.
