Yet another successful session with our great bunch of wannabe-adopters. Who knew this could be so much fun? Almost everything I've read so far says that prep training is hard work, that there are SWs watching over everything you do and say and that, really, you just have to say the right things and remember that SWs want you to fail. Well, for the record, can I say that our experience has been nothing like that!
Our group are diverse, interesting, thought-provoking and fun to be with. Social workers are social workers, they're a bit dry (sorry if you're reading this!) but they have an immensely difficult and important job to do. They are individually responsible for the welfare of the children they care for and, regardless of the often difficult circumstances and the obvious personal and emotional impact this has, they have to do this within a draconian legal system that has little regard for such things.
Our SWs had a sense of humour - wasn't prepared for that and as one who's always up for being the class clown I was happy to play with them. There were no undertones, no cynical remarks from them, we just enjoyed a very light-hearted atmosphere during what was a challenging session.
This was a full day session and we spent most of it learning about contact and behaviour.
Most people in the room with us yesterday went in with the same thoughts about contact. I'm happy to admit, as I did to the group, that you start from the point where you think "screw that, the child will be mine, why should I commit to keeping in contact with the birth parent(s)?" and it's an understandable response. However, after hearing stories from the SWs about how important contact can be, particularly for birth mothers, it makes you realise that it's a small sacrifice to make and it's mostly in the best interests of the child.
We heard about one adoptive family who had written their 'letterbox' contact letter every year as agreed and, after 10 years, never received a single response from the birth mother. They were about to give up until the birth mother's social worker visited her and found that not only had she received them, she treasured them. She would read and re-read them, particularly when she felt low, heartened by the fact that her daughter was well. She couldn't bring herself to write because she could see the adopters were doing such a great job and it made her feel like she had nothing to offer any more, which is very sad, but the fact that she took so much from the letters makes you realise that it's not just about you as the adopter, or the child, it's far more complex than that.
To be fair we also heard how difficult contact can be and one lesbian couple we met at the course had just adopted a (rare) relinquished baby from the same mother as their first adopted child. Rather than have the baby placed in to foster care whilst they go through the legal process they agreed that they would take the child immediately at birth, which sounds great...BUT...the birth mother has daily, yes daily face-to-face contact with the child for one hour in their home until the legal adoption is agreed. Now this is an unusual situation but you can see how difficult that must be for everyone.
We heard from two adoptive parents about their experiences and one of them had a very complicated setup where they had adopted two of six siblings from a parent who had learning difficulties. The birth father, who sexually abused the children, was in prison, the other siblings were either adopted separately or in long term foster care and they had to handle three different lots of contact, mostly letterbox but some direct, particularly with younger and older siblings. That didn't work out as well as they'd hoped and the older sibling was very difficult, the younger one not so much, but there were also half-siblings and all sorts of other stuff going on.
I can't begin to go in to the nightmare they've had with the birth father who is about to be released from prison! Suffice to say the involvement of several government agencies, some of whom are not fully appraised of the situation and may be less sensitive to the confidentiality of the childrens' new identity, together with the wonders of Facebook, have created a very, very difficult situation which could potentially lead to extremely dangerous consequences.
We learned very quickly, and at the expense of others, how important contact can be but also how important openness and honesty is with the children. The situations where children had not been made aware of siblings or issues surrounding their removal were the ones that came back to bite everyone.
Behaviour was another major issue and one we were expecting. The ways that children can use behaviour to display, act out or simply give a voice to their anger over things that have happened to them is something that we will learn only too quickly.
It's quite duanting to think that sexualised behaviour, eating disorders, self harming, low self-esteem, anxiety and a whole host of other mental conditions could simply be the way that early experiences are manifested and vocalised by the children.
We heard stories of a young girl, adopted with her brother, who displayed sexualised behaviour from a very early age because that's what she had been taught to do. She thought it was normal and that this was what she had to do to make people happy. Sitting on her adoptive father's knee, stroking his arm and then moving her hand between his legs and rubbing there is clearly wrong, and extremely alarming to the adoptive parent, but you cannot reprimand the child because she doesn't know she's doing anything wrong.
This led to a very difficult relationship between the child and her adoptive father with him not wanting to be left in the same room with her alone, not being able to take part in her bath time routines or to dress her for a large part of her early years whilst she received therapy and learnt that this sort of behaviour is not appropriate or necessary in order to please people. That's a very, very tough situation.
I'm happy to say that it wasn't all doom and gloom and even the adopters who had horror stories to tell also made it very clear that they love their adoptive children and wouldn't be without them. Of course there are challenges and we're under no allusion that this is going to be easy, it's not. The key is taking it one step at a time, learning as much as we can in the time we have before matching and remembering that what these children want most of all is a safe, warm, loving home where they're given the support and encouragement they need to thrive.
We're looking forward to having the opportunity to share what we have and to grow ourselves as we engage more in the process.
Next week we're learning about the final stages of the process and discussing what happens around 'moving in' day. This time last week that seemed to be so far away, now it seems like it could be here before we know it!
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